Lucia Dancing

Out in the world for an afternoon to buy some groceries for a neighbor! I had to stop by my favorite river beach from high school. The sand and sun are so nourishing, even as the wind still carries the cold of a lingering winter. A little bit of Like Water  crept in and I relished in her. Begin freewrite. "I am showered in her sound. Its a full immersion. my body lathered in the nipping wind's kiss my lungs breath the gurgle of every single droplet. Coming together in one body rushing down to a different world. She is full today, nourished with spring's gift of melting. The rocks play hide and go seek I am alone. My body still feels a sense of incompleteness. I'm hopeful for time to work her healing powers and give me the fullness of the river, someday. Sadness is my companion, I choose to welcome her in this dance. The streaming current shows the ephemeral cycle that all life wrestles with. A constant sense of loss and return. Always becoming." ...

It was a stormy, grey day. Its easy to be a chameleon and absorb nature's mood into your own body. More than ever I wish we had a leader instead of a narcissistic dictator. Sending my thoughts to all the families that are struggling right now. Dancing in the wind gave me some energy and light. Begin freewrite: "Wind rush so forceful it gives me more oxygen so I can fly higher and forget the ground for a second. It's not a cold wind, kisses on my raw, hand-washed skin, a little pirouette in each hair strand I am caught in the swirl. The gust chooses for me where I move my body--a whirlwind. Sometimes it feels deeply pleasurable to give in to the habitual twist and lunge that my body relies on as its foundation. a yielding to the known, as everything is so damn dark        grey              gloomy                       unsettling           ...

I unearthed my room from clutter and years of dust. It's still a time-capsule from middle school, but I now look upon it with love. I am at capacity for uncertainty and unsteadiness, although I know it will not go away, the unclear, wobbly, terrifying state of things. Unsteady future, unsteady health, unsteady community, unsteady wifi connection. Unsteady emotional state. Here is a dance and some writing where I try to face some of this lack of clarity. Begin freewrite. "the floor is sliding away from me like my sense of security and rhythm these days. Feeling the creases in the wood gently crash against my feet as I slide around. Ice cold wood slick like a Popsicle, my body can always catch herself. A symphony of sounds. Instability feels like rugs being pulled, but yet we bounce back, balance inside, pleasure in the falling and catching. This is where agency is regained".

I feel like I am in a state of suspended time and space. Days are blending together! We don't have hot water right now. I stress bought 20 mini Velveeta mac and cheese packs. Send me your address and I'll send you a letter. Sometimes when I dance I find myself struck with a deep sadness. A sadness owned by the phantom of my community of movers, my teachers, that shared space space. It had woven itself into my capillaries and bone marrow like oxygen, so this moment feels like a severing of a body part. Saying goodbye was always going to be painful, but I ache for those last two months that now are gone.  But when I dance, I am also reminded of the fact that my body is here still, it is mine. It is healthy and very intelligent, forcing me to feel this string of complicated tidal wave emotions even when I try to avoid them. I can try to capitalize my quarantine as hard as possible--projects! Letters! CLEANING! The spirit of capitalism is ALIVE AND WELL-- but my body always...

I am, as all other humans in this currently intense world moment, trying to process rapid change and unsettling uncertainty as I settle down into a period of isolation. Home is safe and for that I am grateful, but my heart aches for those who do not have this privilege. May you land in a place you can nestle with comfort and care as soon as possible. Endings have always been painful for me, but this one came unexpectedly and without time to have meaningful processing or to honor those people and places that matter. I am grieving, and scared. But this I will learn to carry, as I have in the past. The feeling of disconnection and separation is great, but we find creative ways to alleviate this. My body is mine, still, and she is here with me always. We will dance through all the feelings that arise, the fear and the stress and the sadness and the anger, to reach joy and healing. Now is a time of unexpected discovery.  A brief freewrite: "My body is sad, but honoring ...