Lucia Dancing

Out in the world for an afternoon to buy some groceries for a neighbor! I had to stop by my favorite river beach from high school. The sand and sun are so nourishing, even as the wind still carries the cold of a lingering winter. A little bit of Like Water  crept in and I relished in her. Begin freewrite. "I am showered in her sound. Its a full immersion. my body lathered in the nipping wind's kiss my lungs breath the gurgle of every single droplet. Coming together in one body rushing down to a different world. She is full today, nourished with spring's gift of melting. The rocks play hide and go seek I am alone. My body still feels a sense of incompleteness. I'm hopeful for time to work her healing powers and give me the fullness of the river, someday. Sadness is my companion, I choose to welcome her in this dance. The streaming current shows the ephemeral cycle that all life wrestles with. A constant sense of loss and return. Always becoming." ...

It was a stormy, grey day. Its easy to be a chameleon and absorb nature's mood into your own body. More than ever I wish we had a leader instead of a narcissistic dictator. Sending my thoughts to all the families that are struggling right now. Dancing in the wind gave me some energy and light. Begin freewrite: "Wind rush so forceful it gives me more oxygen so I can fly higher and forget the ground for a second. It's not a cold wind, kisses on my raw, hand-washed skin, a little pirouette in each hair strand I am caught in the swirl. The gust chooses for me where I move my body--a whirlwind. Sometimes it feels deeply pleasurable to give in to the habitual twist and lunge that my body relies on as its foundation. a yielding to the known, as everything is so damn dark        grey              gloomy                       unsettling           ...

I unearthed my room from clutter and years of dust. It's still a time-capsule from middle school, but I now look upon it with love. I am at capacity for uncertainty and unsteadiness, although I know it will not go away, the unclear, wobbly, terrifying state of things. Unsteady future, unsteady health, unsteady community, unsteady wifi connection. Unsteady emotional state. Here is a dance and some writing where I try to face some of this lack of clarity. Begin freewrite. "the floor is sliding away from me like my sense of security and rhythm these days. Feeling the creases in the wood gently crash against my feet as I slide around. Ice cold wood slick like a Popsicle, my body can always catch herself. A symphony of sounds. Instability feels like rugs being pulled, but yet we bounce back, balance inside, pleasure in the falling and catching. This is where agency is regained".

I feel like I am in a state of suspended time and space. Days are blending together! We don't have hot water right now. I stress bought 20 mini Velveeta mac and cheese packs. Send me your address and I'll send you a letter. Sometimes when I dance I find myself struck with a deep sadness. A sadness owned by the phantom of my community of movers, my teachers, that shared space space. It had woven itself into my capillaries and bone marrow like oxygen, so this moment feels like a severing of a body part. Saying goodbye was always going to be painful, but I ache for those last two months that now are gone.  But when I dance, I am also reminded of the fact that my body is here still, it is mine. It is healthy and very intelligent, forcing me to feel this string of complicated tidal wave emotions even when I try to avoid them. I can try to capitalize my quarantine as hard as possible--projects! Letters! CLEANING! The spirit of capitalism is ALIVE AND WELL-- but my body always...

I am, as all other humans in this currently intense world moment, trying to process rapid change and unsettling uncertainty as I settle down into a period of isolation. Home is safe and for that I am grateful, but my heart aches for those who do not have this privilege. May you land in a place you can nestle with comfort and care as soon as possible. Endings have always been painful for me, but this one came unexpectedly and without time to have meaningful processing or to honor those people and places that matter. I am grieving, and scared. But this I will learn to carry, as I have in the past. The feeling of disconnection and separation is great, but we find creative ways to alleviate this. My body is mine, still, and she is here with me always. We will dance through all the feelings that arise, the fear and the stress and the sadness and the anger, to reach joy and healing. Now is a time of unexpected discovery.  A brief freewrite: "My body is sad, but honoring ...

This is weeks, months late. I have been home, my first and deep home, and left again in the time it took me to make this last post. I blamed the internet, the video wouldn't load, I was working, the glory of Vermont in the summer took me away from work, what else did I come up with. I think really, it was hard to close the experience up in one post. To put it to bed, this is the last post everyone its over in a nice, neat package. No, of course it was messy, it was painful and strikingly marvelous, Vermont is special and melds with my soul in a seamless jigsaw and breaking away to go back to school is never easy; like separating two strong magnets. It's hard to summarize and conclude six months of living. We just keep living, so this life didn't end when I left. I am going to continue my practice, and continue uploading movement and words. It is my meditation in a sense. Chile is a special place, it is a hard place, all places are both. I found new parts of myself, I le...

I have one more week in Valparaiso, and then I am heading home for good. Its hard to not feel quite melancholy, knowing that this wild, challenging, intense, beautiful experience is coming to an end. I'm am classically nostalgic, feeling extremely sentimental about EVERYTHING relating to an experience when it comes to an end, and I feel that now as well. I also know that it is time to come home. I will write a big reflection in a week when I am heading home, but for now this is how the past month has been. I loved and hated, I spoke more Spanish than ever before, I cooked homemade lasagna and stir-fry in Horcon with people who make me filled with joy. I fell into a lake after paddling across on a makeshift barge. I broke up with a course that was causing me unbearable anxiety. I traveled to see my #1 brother graduate from high school and rushed away to catch my flight having only been home for exactly 24 hours. I traveled alone to Pisco Elqui and spent a lot of time reflecting....

Some improvisation in Santiago and the airport of Panama City. I don't have writing to accompany this, but the dancing still filled me with joy! Found some fun makeshift stages while I was visiting Santiago, Chile, specifically in Cerro Lucia :) Almost died of exhaustion on my 48 hour travel to the US and back to Chile and had to heal my soul a little by dancing at 7 am in Panama.

I feel endlessly grateful everyday for all the marvelous gifts Chile is giving me, for the people I am meeting and the people I continue to love, and the ever-present strength I find in myself. Last weekend, Elise, David, and I went to Chilo é, a cluster of islands in the Region de los Lagos in the south of Chile. Since reading a novel by Isabel Allende when I was 18 I have been fantasizing about going to this mystical, climatically  intense, kind and mysterious island. Actually setting foot on the land of  Chilo é  was remarkable! It was a place of nostalgia and memory, although I have never been before, as every section flooded my mind with images and sensations of places I've been in my past; Vermont, Ocracoke, the cloud forest of Costa Rica, Cape Cod. We met the most lovely humans there, and I truly wanted to buy a little hut and stay there forever, with a garden and a cow and a little row boat.  I love small communities! It was really lovely to get to experi...

Time is a constant theme on my mind here. I feel like its flying by now whereas in the beginning it moved like a caterpillar traversing the length of a palm leaf. Sometimes the little things that are so important get lost in the jumble of flashy and vivacious new experiences, so I wanted to spend some time reflecting on la vida cotidiana here. I am endlessly lucky to live in this house. Watching the babies grow up and absorb the world is a gift; they have such large capacities for wonder and love. My host mom really kicks ass--she is kind, honest, and real. We went out one night the two of us and it was one of my favorite nights of the semester, just sitting and drinking terremotos. I continue to rediscover the power of female friendships and intergenerational companionship. She's lived her life in such a fierce and empowering way and it was an honor to be able to hear some of her stories! This family has taken me to their extended family cookout/party, taught me how to make na...